Today....Sept 18, around 1 in the morning, after I returned back home from my neighbour's house, a feeling of afraid seized me once again. I am truly afraid.....a confession that I want to make to everyone who knows me, take note on everything that happened to me for the last few weeks. I am afraid!!!!!
I think that I will not make it!!!!!!!
For the first time, I really felt lonely. No one to depend on. No one to share my worry to. It is not like my family ignored me at all or my friends just left me like that but.....
I kept on checking my email, since 8.??pm just now, every second and every minute, waiting for that damn fuck sheet of useless paper to appear in my inbox. The time right now shows 2.05am and yuppp.....NO APPEARANCE of that file which contains that paper. A useless paper which is the only way for me to proceed my whole journey. Yeah.....NONE.
I really want to cry~Seriously.....
No point for me to share it with my friends or my cousins about what I felt just now because.....Yup, they are not on my place. They may understand it or try to cheer me up or give me their full support but still.......useless.
Thousands of buildings collapse on me. Millions of bricks hit me and yeah, my world all of the sudden, turns upside down and.....sorry to say, I have no future at all after this.
WHY??? WHY???
What are my fault that I have to receive this kind of punishment?? I am third quarter of the journey and then, 'you' want me to end it up just like that?? After 'you' give that big amount of confidence, hope, courage and finally, steal it back from me in just one split moment.
My mom.....
Yeah...My mom.
I don't know where she get that crazy idea on the first place. It makes me suffered and in between the process, she kept on saying things like "You won't make it" or "It won't work" or "They won't approve you" etc.
I am fragile. I am still a kid. Every of her word and action really affects me. For the past 4 months, I tried to be tolerated with her, followed whatever she want me to do, encouraged myself, put bits by bits of my confidence even though I didn't like it and I didn't want to but still, in between the process, she still has that bad thought and she even say it in front of me. I never admitted to her but as a mom, I'm sure she knew that I have gradually built my hope on 'this' thing.
But still, why does she has to mention that kind of bad thought to me again?? Every of the words that is being said from a mother will automatically becomes a pray. And I think, her pray was granted by the God.
At the beginning, I never put any hope. Not even a slight hope. But, as the time goes by, I worked hard on everything and surprisingly, that hope keep on growing inside me. I can't get rid of it. It's so strong.....
Ughhhh.....A useless hope which in the end, eaten me up!!!!!
And the message......I sent the message around 9.??pm just now and guess what?? No reply!!!! Thanks~A fake hope from that person too. I really want to slap his face.
He should take a full responsibility for making me and my mom to keep that stupid hope. And for wasting my time, checking my email every second every hour!!!
What if I didn't make it??
I am not going to blame my mom for it because both of us are already trying our best so far. Even though she is the one who tortured me with 'this' stupid hope~
I know I am too buruk prasangka. I didn't know what will happen later or the day after.....I don't know~
If the result is still the same as today, okay.....I really wished that something bad will happen to me. I really want to end my life!!!!!
3.13am......My neighbour are still enjoying themselves, karaoke-ing.......while me...........alone in my room.....
Kenapalah aku inda kana bunuh saja???????
I think that I will not make it!!!!!!!
For the first time, I really felt lonely. No one to depend on. No one to share my worry to. It is not like my family ignored me at all or my friends just left me like that but.....
I kept on checking my email, since 8.??pm just now, every second and every minute, waiting for that damn fuck sheet of useless paper to appear in my inbox. The time right now shows 2.05am and yuppp.....NO APPEARANCE of that file which contains that paper. A useless paper which is the only way for me to proceed my whole journey. Yeah.....NONE.
I really want to cry~Seriously.....
No point for me to share it with my friends or my cousins about what I felt just now because.....Yup, they are not on my place. They may understand it or try to cheer me up or give me their full support but still.......useless.
Thousands of buildings collapse on me. Millions of bricks hit me and yeah, my world all of the sudden, turns upside down and.....sorry to say, I have no future at all after this.
WHY??? WHY???
What are my fault that I have to receive this kind of punishment?? I am third quarter of the journey and then, 'you' want me to end it up just like that?? After 'you' give that big amount of confidence, hope, courage and finally, steal it back from me in just one split moment.
My mom.....
Yeah...My mom.
I don't know where she get that crazy idea on the first place. It makes me suffered and in between the process, she kept on saying things like "You won't make it" or "It won't work" or "They won't approve you" etc.
I am fragile. I am still a kid. Every of her word and action really affects me. For the past 4 months, I tried to be tolerated with her, followed whatever she want me to do, encouraged myself, put bits by bits of my confidence even though I didn't like it and I didn't want to but still, in between the process, she still has that bad thought and she even say it in front of me. I never admitted to her but as a mom, I'm sure she knew that I have gradually built my hope on 'this' thing.
But still, why does she has to mention that kind of bad thought to me again?? Every of the words that is being said from a mother will automatically becomes a pray. And I think, her pray was granted by the God.
At the beginning, I never put any hope. Not even a slight hope. But, as the time goes by, I worked hard on everything and surprisingly, that hope keep on growing inside me. I can't get rid of it. It's so strong.....
Ughhhh.....A useless hope which in the end, eaten me up!!!!!
And the message......I sent the message around 9.??pm just now and guess what?? No reply!!!! Thanks~A fake hope from that person too. I really want to slap his face.
He should take a full responsibility for making me and my mom to keep that stupid hope. And for wasting my time, checking my email every second every hour!!!
What if I didn't make it??
I am not going to blame my mom for it because both of us are already trying our best so far. Even though she is the one who tortured me with 'this' stupid hope~
I know I am too buruk prasangka. I didn't know what will happen later or the day after.....I don't know~
If the result is still the same as today, okay.....I really wished that something bad will happen to me. I really want to end my life!!!!!
3.13am......My neighbour are still enjoying themselves, karaoke-ing.......while me...........alone in my room.....
Kenapalah aku inda kana bunuh saja???????
0 comments:
Post a Comment